Oh No He Didn’t

I’ll be the first to admit that my written observations can be on the snarky side. I’m a critical being, and find that acrid analysis is the best way to delve into a problem, to stab into the heart while spilling the least amount of blood, as it were. I do try to be slightly intellectual about the whole thing, and tend to shy away from blatant mockery as it’s hateful and mean. I also feel that the trend of snapping digital photos of oblivious strangers for the sole purpose of destroying one or more of their physical attributes is base humor. Furthermore, I’m living in a foreign country and thus very suceptible to seeing “unusual” things. It is mature and worldly to accept said differences with grace, humility, and social awareness.

On Saturday, though, I was strolling in the Zocalo and I saw THIS:All courtesy went out the window when the longest rat-tail in the mother fucking world decided to cross my path. I actually caught sight of this from afar and tore down the street like a criminal  in order to get the picture.

There’s a lot of hippies in this here city, and they have this little fashion fail in which they have cropped hair and one really long dreadlock. It’s bad, yes, but at least it’s tightly wrapped and can be mistaken for an anorexic scarf or a loose thread. But this is a full on, blowin’ in the wind rat-tail of the early nineties variety, combed to perfection and swaying down his pack like a happy trail that makes me anything but. It’s hair, hair, everywhere. It’s a disgrace to the whole entire country.

Making the whole situation worse is that he is accompanied by a woman and a young girl. The arm around the back of the woman suggests a romantic rather than familial relationship, and the young girl could very well be a product of their physical love. This man and his extra-long error had sexual intercourse. A child was begotten. It’s safe to assume they did it multiple times. DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE NO SELF RESPECT?

Now let’s say they were really drunk when they met, or maybe he had a hoodie on that concealed the offending entity.  Unless they’re modern-day Victorians, it’s safe to assume that at some point she saw him in all his original glory, naked as a baby. Let’s say they’re laying together post-coitus, his hair wrapped around their shoulders like a creepy blanket. This is what SHOULD have happened:

Her: That was really good sexo.

Him: God, I know.

Her: Would you like to keep doing it?

Him: Of course, yes, obviously.

Her: All right.

(At this point, without uttering a single syllable, she would procure scissors and chop the damn thing off.)

Her: I’ll be on top this time.

This is a human rights violation. I hope people see this and realize it is NEVER okay. If men want to show how good they are at growing hair they should make it an all-or-nothing effort; go big or go home. If not, keep the rat-tails on the subway tracks where they belong.

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