Damn, have there been a lotta things to hate lately! The weather, the MTA, the Russians, the MTA, deBlasio (because you were such an ingenue your first weeks of work, shorting the circuit on the coffee maker and addressing the trans receptionist as He!), the weather. February is traditionally the month in which people, New Yorkers start to get even douchier. The deli guy who was your best friend now snaps at you when you ask for avocado on your sandwich. Your mother stops calling because she knows the answer to “what’s new?” is “nothing”. Men are shoving women over on the subway to snatch seats, then getting widening the legs and getting narcolepsy, which miraculously disappears as the train pulls into their stop.
But this is the month of love, right? Has anyone else thought about the irony of how the month of warm feelings and romance is not only the most bitter, temperature-wise, but also the shortest? You know what’s a long-ass month? May. May is epic. They should’ve postponed the Saint Valentine’s incident until, like, May 23rd and made some other commercial holiday in February. Something like Anger Awareness Day, or Saint Go Fuck Yourself Day.
But until then, today, February 14th, remains Valentine’s Day, and celebrate we shall. I wrote last year about all the reasons people should get over themselves, hug their friends, and buy candy. This year, though, I’m on some different shit.
In case you haven’t heard, technology, overstimulation, undermaturation, and dating websites have made it nearly impossible to meet a mate, temporary or otherwise. In my last relationship, the other party adamantly refused to call me on the phone for the first eleven or so months of knowing each other (don’t judge me: it’s hard to meet quality people when you’re in grad school). As a result, traditional Valentine’s Day messages like “Be Mine” and “My One True Love” are not only outdated, but wholly unapplicable. The Huffington Post had a funny article of Millenial dating cards that addressed this very issue, with messages like “you are not bad.” Though I wish I could go on a rant about how
But that article, while mildly apt and entertaining, lists 21 cards that all say the same thing: “I’m too maladjusted and insecure to be honest, so let me use a twee font and passive aggressive idea to be jut a little more present in your brain space.” And while that’s a valid card in today’s love climate, life is fucking complicated, and there are so many other situations we, the modern individual, need to address in our multifaceted, new age relationships. I have taken the liberty of compiling a few card ideas that I think would be very pertinent for this Valentine’s Day.
- Front: Thank you for pretending to be my girlfriend for all my office parties.
- Inside: I’ll come out when I turn 26, I swear.
- Front: I’m sorry I kind of shat on your dick.
- Inside: You should have warned me you wanted to try anal.
- Front: I love that you also like having sex in club bathrooms.
- Inside: Let’s stay together till the bouncers ban us.
- Front: When you told me you were from Jersey, I said, “hell no.”
- Inside: I should have stuck with my gut. Venmo me $10 for taking the PATH.
- Front: You have the thickest, smoothest penis ever.
- Inside: Too bad you can’t use that on your resume. Good luck in finance.
- Front: You are the best person I’ve had sex with this weekend.
- Inside: (Write your email address.)
- Front: I can’t believe we’re celebrating a year together, love.
- Inside: Have we been sober for any of it?
- Front: I didn’t mean to sleep with your wife.
- Inside: Her wedding ring was on a chain and it looked like a donut charm.