A Few Rules in a Rule-Less Realm

Don’t be a douche: Hold the damn door, get up for people on the subway, if you bump into someone, apologize, tip well, and for the love of god, if someone talks to you, answer them, even if you hate them, because nothing is more infuriating or depressing that not being acknowledged. That said, if someone doesn’t respond, maybe they’re deaf, or crying, or just didn’t hear you, so don’t fucking freak out.

Do whatever you want all the time as long as it’s not physically detrimental to someone else. Sometimes you might have to do something that is emotionally detrimental to someone else, but the majority of the time, the thing that was happening in the first place was more emotionally detrimental, so it will be okay. If something is done with malice it is not okay. Retribution can be okay if the person is an evil person.

Don’t get mad about anything that has to do with sex unless someone tries to give you an STD on purpose. If you are comfortable with the person and yourself, the sex will ultimately be good. Do not be a sex pest. Being a woman is to be a hostess during sex, which is strange because a good host or hostess is supposed to make sure his or her guest is taken care of first, before he or she is. In the case of sex, though, your guest must tend to you first. Then everyone will be happy. Kiss more. This cannot be overstated. You get into these relationships and life periods where you know that you’re going to have sex, and you only want to do that. You forego kissing, and then ultimately all someone wants to do is be kissing someone on a couch

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Stop checking the fucking phone, Stop checking fucking Facebook, Stop checking fucking Twitter, stop putting fucking dumb ass filters on your fucking lunch because unless you can double the food portion and send it to a country where people can’t fucking eat, then you should be arrested for a crime against humanity every time you fucking put a filter on your food. Get off Reddit and check an encyclopedia, because this culture we have of the blind leading the blind has started more wars than anyone ever before. Go to the mother fucking park. We should hate Netflix, and stop reading listicles, and binge-watching anything is just as bad as binging-shooting heroin, actually – more so, because at least with Heroin you could draw a cool picture whereas with Netflix you’re passively lying on the couch or the bed, probably eating something stupid, and probably instagramming it.

Talk when you want to talk. Don’t be afraid. People make mistakes, and they will maybe make them again and again. Don’t give a shit what other people say about your relationship; they’re not in it. They’re probably not doing particularly well in their own, either.

Seriously, travel. Learn everything you can about everything because you will recognize your relative insignificance in the grand scheme of things, which will allow you to be a better person. What does that mean, better person? What are we striving for, anyway? What is the purpose of life? The meaning of life, I have come to decide, is that there was a big chemical/astral/space-originated accident wherein something went severely awry and combining particles lead to humans being created, and the ability to create humans. There is no meaning to life, per se, except for the fact that we are all ultimately going to die. We will no longer walk the earth, and there will be nowhere to go but underground (burial), above ground (mausoleum), or around ground (ashes scattered). I’m sure there are other ways as well, but the point is, ain’t no soul traveling up or down to chill in a club that’s either good or bad, and the more you think about it, wouldn’t it make sense that the people who behaved would go to somewhere that would be a hell-type place, and the people who were going to hell would go somewhere like heaven which would be clean and boring? I don’t understand how cultural norms got established. Back to the meaning of life, one of the rules should be: Think about the meaning of life. Be aware. Be conscious. Don’t do anything without thinking about why you’re doing it, but within reason, because over-thinking things can lead to not doing anything and fear caused by mental paralysis. But be mindful; be aware. Do things with an awareness that you’re doing things. Don’t follow blindly. The purpose of life, if the meaning is death, then, would be to get as much joy out of the time on earth. If they said, you have an hour in Cancun, what would you do? Get a beer, eat a taco, and sit in the water being warm and slightly floaty with your boyfriend. If you don’t have a boyfriend, you would do it alone. So the purpose is to get joy. Why do people get joy out of the wrong things? Why do we create problems for ourselves?

Figure out what the real joy is, and where it lies. Do not create unnecessary problems, and don’t be selfish, because the majority of unnecessary problems are caused by people being selfish. What actually makes you happy? Does judging other people’s life decisions make you happy, or does it make you feel better about the fact that you’re uncomfortable with your life decisions? If it’s the latter, don’t do it. If you get joy out of being with a certain person, don’t question it. Maybe it’s not what you thought it was going to be, and maybe you grew up thinking you were supposed to be with a woman and now you love a man, or maybe you grew up thinking that you were supposed to be with an artist and now you’re with a corporate-minded kid, but if they say the devil’s in the details, then who cares about these things? If you laugh, then laugh, and worry about whose shoulder you’ll cry on. If you love crying so much, maybe you should do it alone in your room. Maybe there’s nothing to cry about. Maybe you’re evil and you need to be with someone who’s not.

Eat food that is good, drink wine, but don’t be a pretentious snob about it. There are great, good-value wines that will not make you depressed the next day due to lack of funds. Same goes with clothes: Wear things that are fabulous and make you feel good, but don’t spend money you don’t have because nothing looks as bad as being broke feels. There’s nothing worse than fiscal anxiety, not knowing whether you’re going to be able to pay your rent or eat something, and then you stay up all night thinking about that one night you went out, and the 20 dollars you lost and never looked for in the summer when you weren’t broke, and how you shouldn’t have smoked cigarettes or done drugs in college because you’d have so much more money now. This isn’t true, and nor is it worth dwelling.

Don’t call people your best friend. It’s a quantification of love and friendship and it makes things more difficult when disputes arise. People need to quantify and qualify romantic relationships for reasons of jealousy, and so things like boyfriend and girlfriend arise, but honestly, maybe this is unnecessary, too. Seriousness is overrated, but taking things seriously cannot be overstated. You are the only person in the world who you can force to take yourself seriously. The rest of people you have to convince. And if you’re not convinced, then no one else should be expected to. It would be unfair.

Sing songs, and loud. Drink less but get drunker. Do this by injecting giddiness into your life, and by doing whatever the fuck you want. Drink as much coffee as you want, because there re very few things in the world that can make a person so happy and so productive without being detrimental. Don’t be afraid to laugh at people when they fall, because it’s fucking funny and as long as you give them permission to laugh at you, too, then there should be no problem. Don’t be hostile. Don’t be evil. Don’t use curse words with people you love. Learn languages not to show off but so that you can travel and learn about other lands. Why? Because if someone gave you a book, wouldn’t you want to read the whole thing? If the entire world is a book, and we have it right here, wouldn’t you try as hard as you can to explore the entire thing? If there was a house in the woods and you had a key to every room, would you not want to examine what’s behind every door? Why would you leave some shut? Fear? Take a partner. Laziness? Give the keys to someone else. Why would you want to make money if only to spend it on another car, which is the exact same one you have but maybe a little shinier?

Have a career if you must, but think about why. Is it because you truly love this field? Or is it because you think you do. Only do what you love. Only do who you love.

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