GVN Update: Post-TMB

Since it would appear that the only place in the Alps I’m even remotely prolific – and remotely connected to the WiFi for more than three minutes at a time – is the Geneva International Airport, I should seize the moment and attempt to codify in 1,000 words or less the mountainous events of last…

Citizen Lily, or I Drank the Kool-Aid

Before I depart into the mountain wilderness, I want to briefly make a confession: I fell for a marketing ploy.  Faced with a 22-hour layover in Paris, and burdened with a 30 pounds of luggage and a decidedly unParisienne wardrobe, I decided to forgo a jaunt in the City of Lights for the comfort of…

GVN: An Airport Update

I am currently in the Geneva airport, waiting for my next form of transportation: A shuttle bus to Chamonix, Adventure Capital of Europe. Adventure? What does that mean? Well, when it’s put into phrases like the declarative one above, it’s a euphemism for “Outdoor Activities”. Not the ones where you wear open-toed sandals and drink…

30 Years Hath…Well, Let’s See

Certain birthdays have significance. 10, for example: Double Digits! Any elementary schooler knows that the difference between a schoolyard Sally and the Queen of the Concrete is that oh-so-essential bump into the next tens spot. But all being 10 really means you’re that much closer to being 13. Bar and bat mitzvahs! Boobs! Pimples! Periods…

Beef Mother Fucking Jerky

A picture’s worth a thousand words and, in this case, ninety three thousand calories. I have assembled below a photo essay of all the different beef jerky sections in the Travel Mart right outside the ironically named Goodland, Kansas, where, despite an afternoon high of 72° Fahrenheit, it is currently snowing. Loose beef jerky. Mainstream…

Oh, Captain! My Captain!

I should take a moment to mention the bus itself, the tragicomic Pequod in my quest for nationalism and a cheap ride. When we were about to board the bus at the Port Authority, our first driver delivered an ominous message: “When I saw this bus I thought they was playing an April Fool’s joke…

Dorothy was Stupid

Kansas. Really? We’ve spent the last seven hours driving on the same flat godforsaken highway, by far the most boring stretch of land in the entire world. No hills, no trees, eight houses total. Just wind turbines, dry grass, and the occasional cow. Seriously, though – what the fuck do people do here? I don’t…

Missour-really?

When I think of Missouri, I think of racist lunatics, murderous thugs, inbred meanies, and high-pitched voices. I can’t explain why. It’s just a feeling. I was surprised, then, to take three pictures in the state of Missouri that were very nice. Here they are. Sunrise over the St. Louis Amtrak/Greyhound station, taken through stained…

Where is the Man in the Gabardine Suit?

The sunset in Pittsburgh last night was beautiful, lighting up the old steel city and making the fact that someone was clipping their nails in the bus a little more tolerable. Indeed, the latter part of the day, from Pennsylvania into Ohio, was a casual cruise, almost pleasant. Between Can’t Remember and Columbus, I sat…

Yelp Me! I’m on a Bus!

As everyone knows, Yelp and other review sites spew lies created by irate individuals after a miserable experience probably due, in part, to their incomprehension of rules or refusal to listen to instructions. However, on Tuesday night, I had utterly convinced myself that I’d be murdered before Topeka, and covered in semen shortly thereafter. To…

Country Roads, Take Me…Far

“Just so you know, sir, these are Beiber nuts. From the Beiber animal. I just want you to know in case you have an allergy or something.” The Muffin Man, who didn’t seem to speak English, nodded slightly, and squinted. I, who do speak English but still didn’t understand, also nodded and squinted. “That’ll be…

Cawfee Talk

At the end of December, the NYT website posted a test about dialect. By answering 25 questions based on how you pronounce or refer to certain words, the test analyzes your “personal dialect map”; in other words, show you where on the map of the US your linguistic tendencies tend to situate you. After spending…