I Need Your Yelp Like I Need A Hole In The Head

Last week, my coworkers were discussing a recent review that had been posted on Yelp. They had been navigating the site for a while, and still couldn’t find the offending entry. “Ask Lily,” said one, “she’s pretty much the mayor of Yelp.” I admit it: My obsession with reading the online reviews of my place…

A Day Off

Days off in the summer are tricky, especially when you work in a restaurant. I can swear on all your holy spirits and blood relatives that I’ll never be given a weekend off, and that my workless Wednesdays will either be rain-soaked and dismal, or coincide with the one afternoon I have to wait for the cable guy to show up (“between…

Please Don’t Make Me Go To Work

Finding a new job is a real pain in the ass. Back in the day, at least in my imagination, you’d go into a place and they’d do a trial by fire. If you didn’t cry or quit or ruin anything, you were in. Now, you have some bullshit week of training, during which you…

I Only Meant to Write About Groupon

Yesterday evening at 5:30 the sun hadn’t yet sunk behind the buildings, and I found myself loosening the wool scarf I’ve automatically donned every day for the last five months. As I strolled from the East Village to Union Square I realized that people were ambling rather than charging to the subway, that the face-slicing…

It’s Valentine’s Day!

I seriously love holidays, and Valentine’s Day is no exception. First off, there’s holiday-specific candy, and if there’s one thing I love more than eggrolls, Chiapas, and oral sex combined, it’s red and pink Nerds Ropes. Second of all, adults act like children and are transformed from faceless douchebags to cute specimens of humanity with…

2013: Let’s Go.

FELIZ ANO NUEVO! BONNE ANNEE! HAPPY NEW YEAR! What the hell? I’ve written and rewritten and deleted thirteen different paragraphs in which I attempted to introduce my New Year’s Resolutions for Two Thousand and Thirteen in a Magical Way. They all kind of suck. So Fuck It: Here are my New Year’s Resolutions. 0) Don’t…

A Yelp for Carl Solomon

A few weeks ago, I had one of the world’s worst couples in my section. From the moment they sat down at the table and attempted to order the 5 dollar glass of Gruner Veltliner (“Pardon, sir, but that’s the table of contents”) until they skipped dessert, claiming they’d been told a dessert containing tropical…

Deliberations on Dating for a Thursday Morn

We were talking recently about dating in all its glorious and various forms: Good dates, bad dates, blind dates, dates with no legs, and, of course, the innumerable awkward dates we’re forced to observe as civil servants of the greater NY-area dining community. See, when you work in a restaurant, you become an unwillingly minor…

Normal People Don’t Say Behind You

On Saturday night around three in the morning, after my fifth shot of tequila, I realized I wasn’t going to make it to yoga at 10 am in the East Village. I wasn’t going to make it back downtown at all, for that matter, but was going to have to stumble for the umpteenth time…