Dorothy was Stupid

Kansas. Really? We’ve spent the last seven hours driving on the same flat godforsaken highway, by far the most boring stretch of land in the entire world. No hills, no trees, eight houses total. Just wind turbines, dry grass, and the occasional cow. Seriously, though – what the fuck do people do here? I don’t…

Missour-really?

When I think of Missouri, I think of racist lunatics, murderous thugs, inbred meanies, and high-pitched voices. I can’t explain why. It’s just a feeling. I was surprised, then, to take three pictures in the state of Missouri that were very nice. Here they are. Sunrise over the St. Louis Amtrak/Greyhound station, taken through stained…

Yelp Me! I’m on a Bus!

As everyone knows, Yelp and other review sites spew lies created by irate individuals after a miserable experience probably due, in part, to their incomprehension of rules or refusal to listen to instructions. However, on Tuesday night, I had utterly convinced myself that I’d be murdered before Topeka, and covered in semen shortly thereafter. To…

Country Roads, Take Me…Far

“Just so you know, sir, these are Beiber nuts. From the Beiber animal. I just want you to know in case you have an allergy or something.” The Muffin Man, who didn’t seem to speak English, nodded slightly, and squinted. I, who do speak English but still didn’t understand, also nodded and squinted. “That’ll be…

The Super Bowl

First of all, Bill de Blasio dropped the groundhog today. He couldn’t move to see his shadow, so apparently in six weeks we’re having the apocalypse. Anyway, on Friday night, there was a Bronco at my job. Not the animal, although that, to me, would have been far more interesting, but a member of the…

No Hot Girls, Or Why I Hate American Boys

If you told me I had one meal left before an imminent demise, there would be a zero percent chance of the last thing going down my throat being a USDA Approved Grade A Beef Patty with ketchup, mustard, and some crispy Freedom Fries. I don’t generally eat “American” food, but rather try to keep…

Catch Up #1: The Final Countdown

After returning from Veracruz, I had 4.5 days left in Mexico, and a couple thousand pesos. The wise thing to do would have been to live as frugally as possible, convert the pesos into dollars, and save myself the awful situation of having to lock myself in my house until I start working on Easter…

One-Track Mind (Last Time, I Swear)

The last few weeks have been devoted to figuring out, What’s the issue? My job? The country? Homesickness? Cash flow problems? MY “IN-LAWS”? The Virgin of Guadalupe BS? My semi-long-distance relationship? My inability to eat vegetables or exercise or stop smoking? Yes, it’s been a psycho-emotioneo-spiritu-ofessional trajectory this here disturbingly warm November. With the long…

Puerto Escondido, or the Benefits of Blow

When I studied in Paris, it was through Queens College, and thus I was surrounded in my daily life with other New Yorkers equally, if not more, willing to violently experience all bled out onto the streets and into every cell of the city and its inhabitants. It was a Holy Experience, in that we…

Nueva York Versus the Other 49 States

I try to be open-minded. I travel, I read, I learn languages, I empathize. And in my almost 25 years of existence, I have found that the majority of people I meet tend to like me, and vice versa. But there’s one group that I simply cannot stand, and living in Puebla I’ve cone into…