I’ve Got the Golden Ticket…Now What?

There’s always something jolting about stumbling upon memorabilia from a past relationship, no matter how ill-fated an affair it may have been. Cleaning the fridge and finding the bottle of Moet you’d bought for the never-attained two-year anniversary; going through stacks of papers and seeing a business card from the bar where you had your…

Catch Up #1: The Final Countdown

After returning from Veracruz, I had 4.5 days left in Mexico, and a couple thousand pesos. The wise thing to do would have been to live as frugally as possible, convert the pesos into dollars, and save myself the awful situation of having to lock myself in my house until I start working on Easter…

Update: Happy New Year!

At last write-in, I was over-tired in the Detroit airport after a night lying terrified on a yoga mat while a definite child molester cleaned the floor around my head seventeen times with a linoleum Zamboni. I was in NY for three weeks, two of them accompanied with the BF, with whom I ravaged NYC…

One-Track Mind (Last Time, I Swear)

The last few weeks have been devoted to figuring out, What’s the issue? My job? The country? Homesickness? Cash flow problems? MY “IN-LAWS”? The Virgin of Guadalupe BS? My semi-long-distance relationship? My inability to eat vegetables or exercise or stop smoking? Yes, it’s been a psycho-emotioneo-spiritu-ofessional trajectory this here disturbingly warm November. With the long…

Semantical Self-Gratification (Like Masturbating, but with Words)

After three days of spitting venom I decided to take a chill pill, at which point I arrived at my morning class, learned that the receptionist had cancelled the class via Internet 5 days ago (a fact of which I was obviously not notified), and became re-enraged. I feel that unadulterated anger, even more than…

BF Guest Blog: Mutual Interests

If you’re lucky, after a relationship’s rocky period comes the storm after the calm after the storm. You have retarded quantities of sex because you remember why you fell in lust love in the first place. You realize you’d become lax and that nights of beer and movies, though enjoyable, are not the building blocks of true…

Reconciliation Special: Do I Have Heart or Lack Balls?

When we last spoke, I was full of moxie, brimming with self-assurance. I stated that I would accept a face to face interaction should the heinous party arrive bearing gifts and shit tons of remorse. Here’s what transpired. I passed Tuesday in a fine manner, my first class having been canceled and my others fairly…

On the Subject of Danger

A couple of weeks ago here in the capital, we were having our monthly fight, which usually falls on or around the time that another 30-31 days of being in a committed relationship has gone by. Unlike the entirety of this country and possible the world entire, I think that committed relationships are irksome, and…

A Quick Card In Favor of Cunnilingus

Everyone loves eating out. Restaurants are scientifically proven to produce better food than that which is churned out in your own personal kitchen. I am no exception. Ever since I started making money, I’ve generally spent it in eateries, delicatessens, candy stores, cafes, and Whole Foods. When I got older, the cash started going to…

If Semen Was Wishes Then Hookers Would Ride

When faced with the choice of sweet or savory, I almost always opt for the latter. I’m a slave to Doritos, Cheetos, and any other artificially orange corn-based chippy product. I don’t delve into the Dove bars to downplay my depression but rather cheese, pastas, and cured meats. However, on the birthday, pastries are mandatory,…

Run Lola Run! Just Don’t Make Me Join You

I ran today. I donned athletic-ish wear, displaced myself to a burnt sienna rubbery circle and I attempted to mobilize myself around it. I was sweating like a heroin junkie and breathing like a woman in labor. Breech. My legs felt like little hands were ripping the muscles in sixteen different directions, and I had…