On Mediocrity 1 (Belated Marathon)

Everyone knows that the New York City Marathon is, like, the major running event of the year. People pay thousands of dollars to stand, freezing, in Staten Island with hangover-esque jet lag in order to run their worst time in a race distance that is, with the proliferation of performance-enhancing drugs and ultramarathons, increasingly less…

Cruelty Analysis in the First Degree

  When I was a little girl, or at least a less old adult, I decided to start a blog. I just fact checked the exact dates of the blog beginning, and it was July of 2010. Assumedly, a birthday had just passed (the 24th) and I was feeling, as the kids say, a certain…

On Graduating

When I first thought about attending the commencement ceremony, my instinct was: “Why the fuck would I do that?” When I asked my friends, the general consensus was: “I mean, it’s not like it’s Columbia…it’s an MFA from CCNY. Like, WTF.” It’s common knowledge that getting an MFA at City College is as hard as hailing a gypsy…

A Few Rules in a Rule-Less Realm

Don’t be a douche: Hold the damn door, get up for people on the subway, if you bump into someone, apologize, tip well, and for the love of god, if someone talks to you, answer them, even if you hate them, because nothing is more infuriating or depressing that not being acknowledged. That said, if…

Belated V-Day Post: Hallmark of Modernity!

Damn, have there been a lotta things to hate lately! The weather, the MTA, the Russians, the MTA, deBlasio (because you were such an ingenue your first weeks of work, shorting the circuit on the coffee maker and addressing the trans receptionist as He!), the weather. February is traditionally the month in which people, New…

While We’re At It: Seeking a Throwback to BRB

Since we’re already on the subject of internet acronyms, if there’s one textual cyber-abbreviation that has gone the way of the CD-ROM that I genuinely miss, it’s “BRB.” At what point did BRB become obsolete? While the majority of these jumbled letter sets are meant to speed up the typing process, BRB was a way…

You Don’t Sit

Imagine the scene: Chambers Street, platform of the uptown 2/3 express. My legs are trembling after a double, my quads sore from my early morning pre-double jog. It’s late, the train isn’t bustling, and I can see the lights of the train coming north in the tunnel. Sweet seat sanctity, I think to myself. I…

The First Time: Part Two of Two

The thing is, up until a certain age, throwing up seems like just another hilarious check mark on the list of Things That Prove a 21-26 Year Old Had A Good Night. This list also includes but isn’t limited to: Lost Money, Cell Phone Died, Got Lost, Tipped Too Much/Didn’t Pay, Publicly Urinated, Did Coke,…

NYE, Bitches.

New Year’s Eve, right? Again, huh? I have this fantastic notion, based on no empirical evidence whatsoever, that in non-cities across the world, New Year’s Eve is the most beautiful night of the year. Everything closes around 2pm, at which point all the townspeople go home to prepare potluck dishes and change their clothes. Though…

Oh, Man!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Turns out training for a half-marathon is rather time consuming, and if my post-workout options are “write a blog post” or “have a cocktail,” I’m going with the latter. This is probably why my average mile time in the final race was 11:01 as opposed to 9:48, a time…

I’ve Got the Golden Ticket…Now What?

There’s always something jolting about stumbling upon memorabilia from a past relationship, no matter how ill-fated an affair it may have been. Cleaning the fridge and finding the bottle of Moet you’d bought for the never-attained two-year anniversary; going through stacks of papers and seeing a business card from the bar where you had your…