A Day Off

Days off in the summer are tricky, especially when you work in a restaurant. I can swear on all your holy spirits and blood relatives that I’ll never be given a weekend off, and that my workless Wednesdays will either be rain-soaked and dismal, or coincide with the one afternoon I have to wait for the cable guy to show up (“between…

Cawfee Talk

At the end of December, the NYT website posted a test about dialect. By answering 25 questions based on how you pronounce or refer to certain words, the test analyzes your “personal dialect map”; in other words, show you where on the map of the US your linguistic tendencies tend to situate you. After spending…

This Blog Post Will Change Your Life

Cliff’s Notes for “A Wednesday Evening Blog Post by Me”: I’ve written a blog. The first paragraph will have you doubting your own writing skills and ability to take the tools provided by the English language and craft heavenly prose. The third sentence in the second paragraph will have you donating the majority of the insulation…

The First Time: Part One of Two

Everyone remembers her first time. It’s a rite of passage, another step towards adulthood, the tearing of the proverbial seal that will be torn open so many times after. Indeed, I vividly and shamefully recall the first time I got so drunk I vomited. It was the spring of twelfth grade. I sat in my…

Oh, Man!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Turns out training for a half-marathon is rather time consuming, and if my post-workout options are “write a blog post” or “have a cocktail,” I’m going with the latter. This is probably why my average mile time in the final race was 11:01 as opposed to 9:48, a time…

On Platforms, and Not To Jump

This past weekend, I went the Slice Literary Writer’s Conference in Brooklyn. It was a two-day event where we, the participants, sat in on panels with agents, editors, and writers to hopefully get a better grasp on what it means to be a writer (apparently saying “aspiring writer” is taboo, because should we possess the…

I’ve Got the Golden Ticket…Now What?

There’s always something jolting about stumbling upon memorabilia from a past relationship, no matter how ill-fated an affair it may have been. Cleaning the fridge and finding the bottle of Moet you’d bought for the never-attained two-year anniversary; going through stacks of papers and seeing a business card from the bar where you had your…

What I Learned

21 hours is a long time to spend in the airport, especially without a phone, computer, or cigarette. After nearly two life-altering weeks in Israel, though, it wasn’t a wholly unwelcome occurrence. 10 days of physically, spiritually, and emotionally explosive experiences shared with different planes of yourself as well as with nearly 50 other people…

My Paper’s Due in 6 Hours and I Haven’t Read the Book

So I’m texting back and forth with a friend of mine, and she said something that prompted me to say: “No! Don’t tell me! I’ll guess.” I guessed. The message went through. What if it’s correct? I thought. What if I guessed the 100% right answer to her obscure statement, and I can actually read…

A Yelp for Carl Solomon

A few weeks ago, I had one of the world’s worst couples in my section. From the moment they sat down at the table and attempted to order the 5 dollar glass of Gruner Veltliner (“Pardon, sir, but that’s the table of contents”) until they skipped dessert, claiming they’d been told a dessert containing tropical…

On Marijuana

As someone with a proclivity for the life of the night, I knew that one of the biggest fall semester challenges was going to be walking home from class at 9:30 pm with multiple siren songs blaring in my ears, running into my veins, crawling up my shorts through the band of my Aerie dollar-bin…

Normal People Don’t Say Behind You

On Saturday night around three in the morning, after my fifth shot of tequila, I realized I wasn’t going to make it to yoga at 10 am in the East Village. I wasn’t going to make it back downtown at all, for that matter, but was going to have to stumble for the umpteenth time…