On Mediocrity 1 (Belated Marathon)

Everyone knows that the New York City Marathon is, like, the major running event of the year. People pay thousands of dollars to stand, freezing, in Staten Island with hangover-esque jet lag in order to run their worst time in a race distance that is, with the proliferation of performance-enhancing drugs and ultramarathons, increasingly less…

New Year, New You

Once upon a time, there was a year from hell. Some people made memes about it, some people chose to block it from their memory through excessive ingestion of substances and online television, and still other people honored it by creating this magical trailer. Whatever your coping mechanism, 2016, like food poisoning and shitty relationships, ran its…

How It All Transpired: The Extended Version

  As anyone who has learned or taught a foreign language knows, idioms don’t translate. They are a bizarre facet of language that can expose as much about a culture as its cuisine or its religious beliefs. Even odder is the fact that there are expressions in our own languages that we may know by…

This Blog Post Will Change Your Life

Cliff’s Notes for “A Wednesday Evening Blog Post by Me”: I’ve written a blog. The first paragraph will have you doubting your own writing skills and ability to take the tools provided by the English language and craft heavenly prose. The third sentence in the second paragraph will have you donating the majority of the insulation…

I Assumed I’d Be Riding A Hoverboard

I was watching the “Back to the Future” marathon over Christmas. I found myself immersed in the second one – the ridiculously confusing shitshow in which something has to be done about Marty’s kids, so they go to the future, and then back to the past, and the present and then the future and Marty…

Cathartic: Don’t Read This! Kvetch Central!

Today was a horrible day. It started out with me jolting out of bed at 5 in the morning scared I was going to vomit. I didn’t physically feel like vomiting, but rather mentally thought that the disgustingly gluttonous (yet super delicious) night I had could only logically lead to a dawn’s early purge. I…

Normal People Don’t Say Behind You

On Saturday night around three in the morning, after my fifth shot of tequila, I realized I wasn’t going to make it to yoga at 10 am in the East Village. I wasn’t going to make it back downtown at all, for that matter, but was going to have to stumble for the umpteenth time…